Tuesday, February 16, 2016

6months = 1/2 a year

I’ve always been a little on the thicker side. Truly, I’ve learned how to embrace my wide hips, well sort of. After having my sweet, precious baby Kai I was having such a hard time with my body image. I’d look into the mirror and just see a completely different person. I couldn’t recognize myself. My face, wrinkles becoming more defined with jagged edges. Keep in my I am 27 and it sounds silly to say it out loud (writing it). But that’s all I can see. My imperfections. The wrinkles between my eyebrows. My huge pores that covered my face. My uneven eyebrows that...seemed less hairy? It was like was going bald… ON MY EYEBROWS. I tried covering it up with make-up, maybe I’d feel better. I didn’t. It only enhanced my flaws.
My body was just not the same and I couldn’t stop nitpicking at every little difference. The funny thing is that it felt like it was overnight. I went to having the golden pregnancy glow to the bride of Frankenstein.  

Despite my efforts of trying to stay a little healthy and not gaining too much unnecessary weight I was SO emotional about my body image. The first 4 weeks of postpartum I cried every day. I know I’ve said this before and I know it’s normal, because I just had a baby, but my body wasn’t the same, therefore I didn’t feel the same.
I think a big part of it was my fear of rejection from my husband. I feel like this subject is somewhat of a taboo. Something you don’t discuss. Yeah I knew I wasn’t suppose to have sex till I healed. That’s normal. I understand. But what happens when the 6 weeks are up? That questions ran through my head several times during the day. Is Josh going to love me still? Will he want me? It felt like our honeymoon night, except, I just had a baby human.
Those weren’t the only negative thoughts that ran through my head. For some reason I was scared that my husband wasn’t going to want our baby boy. Therefore, NOT WANTING ME. All the thoughts were linked together, like a domino effect. One sparked the other. That’s how it added up in my mind. And I couldn’t get over it.

It’s now 6 months since labor, and at times,  I continue to struggle. I am 2 lbs away from pre pregnancy weight, but I find myself going back to those dark feelings I use to have. Its taking me so long to get here. I find myself constantly comparing my body to what I use to be. I think, I thought 6 months would be a big milestone to my progress, physically. I had personal expectation. I would be under 150 lbs. Getting ready for Spring Break and a new swim suit.  
It’s silly how thoughts can affect your whole perspective and the image of oneself.

Last week, at the gym, I haven’t felt my best but I found myself hitting higher numbers, in ALL my lifts!!! I am at close to pre pregnancy weight and I am constantly hitting higher number then I use to. Not only can I lift more weights but my endurance has improved. Cardio, yes please. I can be on the stairmaster for 30 -40 mins, hugh! I can run more than 3 miles, which is more than I was doing 4 months ago!

Most of the time I am so hard on myself I don’t allow myself to be proud of my progress. I don’t allow myself to rejoice on my personal successes. There has to be a balance between pushing yourself to become better and loving yourself for all you have done. It’s about continuous progress, big or small. It’s about enduring and not giving up because of whatever/whoever is in our way.    

Two things I want to keep in my mind for the next 6 months.  

  1. I am not alone.
  2. Even though my progress is slow, ITS PROGRESS!

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