Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Wife+Mom+Everything Else

W I F E 

Josh (my husband) and I got married November 16th, 2012 in the Salt Lake Temple.
Our humble beginnings as a couple were very eye-opening and strengthening to our relationship.  We have learned to lean on each other and keep a continuous flow of communication with one another. Our relationship is not perfect but we have definitely grown as adults, both in our maturity and in our love.
Even though we have only been married for about 4 years, the life challenges have hit us hard. Throughout the years we have experienced everything from losing a loved one, to bringing life into this world; from not having a penny to our name to.... well we are still pretty low on the cash... but the point is that throughout the years, I have begun to understand what my role as a wife should be. As a wife, I am  a supporter, chief, listener, part time provider (while Josh finishes school) and lover. Does that mean I am always all of the above? lol not at all.  


December 2014 I found out I was pregnant. I had my baby boy, Kai. Experiencing the creation of life,while causing so much discomfort and pain, was and it is the most gratifying and joyful experience.
Being a first-time mom I have made mistakes. I have been scared and troubled but I can say that being a mommy has changed my outlook on life. Watching my son learn, explore and discover the world for the very first time is dawning. The simplicity of things brings the greatest joy to his face and brings an abundance of happiness in our lives.
A year is not nearly enough to be considered an expert in motherhood,  but the journey is full of life changing experiences and A LOT of dirty diapers.

E V E R Y T H I N G else

Aside from being a wife and a mother I have the opportunity to continue my career as an educator and family/ student advocate. While working for the district in the after school programs and attending an online graduate school, I have found other hobbies to keep, somewhat, of a balance in my life.
Some of my biggest hobbies are Crossfit and weightlifting, which has now become a family affair. These physical activities have become a great part of my journey to find self-confidence and appreciation of myself. 
Life, busy and full of imperfection. Here is mine as a Wife+mom+ everything else.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

6months = 1/2 a year

I’ve always been a little on the thicker side. Truly, I’ve learned how to embrace my wide hips, well sort of. After having my sweet, precious baby Kai I was having such a hard time with my body image. I’d look into the mirror and just see a completely different person. I couldn’t recognize myself. My face, wrinkles becoming more defined with jagged edges. Keep in my I am 27 and it sounds silly to say it out loud (writing it). But that’s all I can see. My imperfections. The wrinkles between my eyebrows. My huge pores that covered my face. My uneven eyebrows that...seemed less hairy? It was like was going bald… ON MY EYEBROWS. I tried covering it up with make-up, maybe I’d feel better. I didn’t. It only enhanced my flaws.
My body was just not the same and I couldn’t stop nitpicking at every little difference. The funny thing is that it felt like it was overnight. I went to having the golden pregnancy glow to the bride of Frankenstein.  

Despite my efforts of trying to stay a little healthy and not gaining too much unnecessary weight I was SO emotional about my body image. The first 4 weeks of postpartum I cried every day. I know I’ve said this before and I know it’s normal, because I just had a baby, but my body wasn’t the same, therefore I didn’t feel the same.
I think a big part of it was my fear of rejection from my husband. I feel like this subject is somewhat of a taboo. Something you don’t discuss. Yeah I knew I wasn’t suppose to have sex till I healed. That’s normal. I understand. But what happens when the 6 weeks are up? That questions ran through my head several times during the day. Is Josh going to love me still? Will he want me? It felt like our honeymoon night, except, I just had a baby human.
Those weren’t the only negative thoughts that ran through my head. For some reason I was scared that my husband wasn’t going to want our baby boy. Therefore, NOT WANTING ME. All the thoughts were linked together, like a domino effect. One sparked the other. That’s how it added up in my mind. And I couldn’t get over it.

It’s now 6 months since labor, and at times,  I continue to struggle. I am 2 lbs away from pre pregnancy weight, but I find myself going back to those dark feelings I use to have. Its taking me so long to get here. I find myself constantly comparing my body to what I use to be. I think, I thought 6 months would be a big milestone to my progress, physically. I had personal expectation. I would be under 150 lbs. Getting ready for Spring Break and a new swim suit.  
It’s silly how thoughts can affect your whole perspective and the image of oneself.

Last week, at the gym, I haven’t felt my best but I found myself hitting higher numbers, in ALL my lifts!!! I am at close to pre pregnancy weight and I am constantly hitting higher number then I use to. Not only can I lift more weights but my endurance has improved. Cardio, yes please. I can be on the stairmaster for 30 -40 mins, hugh! I can run more than 3 miles, which is more than I was doing 4 months ago!

Most of the time I am so hard on myself I don’t allow myself to be proud of my progress. I don’t allow myself to rejoice on my personal successes. There has to be a balance between pushing yourself to become better and loving yourself for all you have done. It’s about continuous progress, big or small. It’s about enduring and not giving up because of whatever/whoever is in our way.    

Two things I want to keep in my mind for the next 6 months.  

  1. I am not alone.
  2. Even though my progress is slow, ITS PROGRESS!